parenting during isolation

Shelter in place has manifested many beautiful moments of parenting and mindfulness. This is not that. I am a mother stuck in the nebulous places between productivity, caregiving, and a nervous breakdown. 

I need to acknowledge that I am writing this from a very lucky position. I am privileged that my husband is still working at this point, from home, and it seems relatively stable for the time being.  I am also in the fortunate position of being able to be flexible with my work while Rufus is at home with me all day, and I want to acknowledge that right off the bat. However, I have always thought that motherhood was made up of endless decision making, and I am feeling it more than ever.

My mother, my forever editor and sage, suggested I make an outline to get my jumbled thoughts in order. The outline birthed the following lists and tallies.

A List Of Shoulds

*Please note how many shoulds SHOULD cancel each other out.

1. I should take Rufus outdoors every day at least once for exercise and fresh air.

1. I should take advantage of the moments he stops clinging to me and is willing to play peacefully on the floor with LEGOs while watching LEGO Star Wars shows simultaneously. 

2. I should keep my social media and business output very active since everyone is online right now.

3. I should get off of Instagram because it is only fueling my anxiety. 

4. I should try and foster more independent play for Ru.

5. I should slow down and engage with Rufus more and bask in his childhood and magic while I can. 

6. I should try and make a routine and stick to it. 

7. I should include thoughtful crafts and activities in said routine.

8. I should be flexible with the routine so as to not make transitions and situations more difficult on Rufus. 

9. I should Facetime friends and family to stay connected. 

10. I should NOT Facetime friends and family while Rufus is around because it seems to turn him into a violent crazy person. 

11. But I should maybe try to plan virtual playdates for him? 

12.  I should attempt to implement new strategies and ideas for my business in this time of change. 

13.  I shouldn’t just push more noise out there, but contribute thoughtfully. 

A Brief Run Down of Schedules and Routines I Have Tried Over 2 weeks

There was the broad outline with ideas for Rufus to add so that he contributes, and the schedule that was filled in by me detailing every hour of the day. Oh, I was going to have a theme for every day or a theme for the week. I had a schedule that included school/learning, crafts, outside time, and free choice. There was the day after I read that it is ok to embrace the chaos where we didn’t even try to follow any kind of structure.  And then there was this morning, when the plan was to go outside at 10 am. It was the only thing on the schedule and as I am writing this it is already 10:47am. 

Summary of Facetime Calls

Facetime calls, approximately 50

Facetime calls that ended in Rufus screaming, hitting, or throwing something at me, or simply lunging at the phone trying to hang it up, approximately 48.

Summary of Instagram and Pinterest Projects for Learning and Creativity

Number of projects bookmarked or added to lists: 23

Number of projects completed or even attempted: 0

The One Constant

After Ru is in bed, usually right before I go to bed, I begin to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I feel scared for the kids who are stuck at home without enough food or who might be in abusive situations. I'm worried that my small business which provides a "non-essential" service and product won't survive. I am terrified that our government won’t make the right calls on how to handle the pandemic, resulting in either more deaths or a worse economic outcome. I am scared that someone in my family might get seriously ill. I am worried that I am spending too much time worrying.

I am horrified that despite this “gift” of time with my family, I might be wasting it trying to be productive or struggling to be present.