Into Motherhood | Nataliya
Into Motherhood: A monthly photo + poem series inspired by authentic interviews with everyday moms.
Meet Nataliya
Do you ever feel like your life turned out different than you expected it to? For example, I never thought my kids would have tablets (haha), eat boxed or frozen food (haha), or talk back (haha). In seriousness though, sometimes circumstances or tough choices can strip us of the lives we *thought* we’d live. And instead, we settle into one particular version of ourselves.
Author Cheryl Stray calls these other dream-versions of our lives, “sister lives”. She writes: “I'll never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't choose. We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours. It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us. There's nothing to do but salute it from the shore.”
Our featured mom, Nataliya, had dreams of mothering many children- but infertility and loss stripped her of that dream. Instead, life gave her one, beautiful, radiant daughter, Anya. Nataliya said, “One of my struggles in motherhood, which is ongoing, is accepting our reality as an only child family. I never thought this would be us. It's taken me longer than it should've to make peace with it.”
So how do we make peace with our “sister lives”? How do we salute them from shore, and then enjoy the one we received? Nataliya offers us sage advice. “We must focus on what we do have," she says, “and not what we don’t.” In her case, she focuses on the blessing of having a daughter to share conversations, board games, TV shows, and laughter with. As well as the capacity to pursue her own talents and skills (she’s an incredible photographer).
She also applies this to her Pakistan- American cultures. We asked her if there were any values she hopes her daughter brings into adulthood. She answered that she hopes Anya views her dual cultures as a gift, not a burden. Nataliya said, “I wish for my daughter to grow up appreciating the best parts of the two cultures. That instead of it feeling like a burden, it can help her find her best self. I hope she sees it like I do- a privilege to have a window into two worlds.“
It was a privilege to enter your world, Nataliya! To learn how you make the best of life. And how we can all navigate the loss of our sister- lives by remembering the beauty of our current one.
LOVE MADE VISIBLE
I’ll never live, and neither will you, those invisible
dreams stolen by circumstances.
Look at the bright side, they say.
With hardship comes ease, they say.
I take my camera and capture all the things
I don’t want to lose sight of.
My radiant daughter. My true love.
Us strung together by hugs, shows,
board games, laughter. Over time
snapshot flashes become soft lit rooms
become days of golden sunshine.
And I remember to love more. To give more.
To be still more. To rest more, in acceptance and ease.
So it can linger. So I can hold it longer.
So all that I can’t bear dissolves.
So I can stand in a light
so illuminating and blinding, only
love is made visible.
Motherhood has reminded me that even within the messiness, there is still beauty. I just have to remember to see it.
There is this verse in the Quran which says "verily, with hardship comes ease". It has always resonated with me. But it's through motherhood that I've internalized the meaning.
One of my struggles in motherhood, which is ongoing, is accepting our reality as an only child family. I never thought this would be us. I think it's taken me longer than it should've to make peace with it.
A takeaway I am still learning is that sometimes I need to just focus and enjoy what I do have. There are so many wonderful things about having an only child. If anyone else is in the same situation, I'd say it really helps to practice being in the moment more, reminding ourselves often of what we have instead of what we don’t. Mothering an only child is a beautiful way of life. You have more capacity for things you might not have had with multiple kids.
Also, in Pakistan, there is a lot of focus on family, not just immediate family but extended family too. There’s a lot of focus on respect for parents, grandparents & the elders around. It’s very common for families to live in a "joint family" setup where kids have grandparents, aunts, uncles and their families living together.
If you think about it, it's such a wonderful way to live. But it does have its own challenges. Nowadays most families are stepping away from that and choosing to live on their own the way we do here in the US.
One of my wishes for my daughter is that she grows up appreciating the best parts about the two cultures she's connected to. That instead of feeling like a burden, it's something that helps her find her best self always. I hope she sees like I do- what a privilege it is to have this window into two worlds.
Parenting right now feels like two worlds too: light and heavy all within the same day sometimes. The last two years took a toll to be honest. A lot of emotions with the pandemic isolation and the pre-teen age we’ve found ourselves in.
But we watch shows together. Joke around. Play board games. Have actual conversations and then it feels just easy, and good. I am reminded to see what I do have and it's like this perfect age. She's mostly independent but also..
... she still likes me. (well, mostly-haha).