STRUGGLING TO GET INTO THE FRAME

When Rufus was almost a year old I scheduled a family photo session with my friend Lora.  As the date approached, I kept finding reasons to reschedule. We postponed the pictures for a week. That first week turned into two, which turned into three. Suddenly it was a month later and I still didn’t feel ready.  I was waiting to lose weight, to “fix” my arms, see if my thin hair would thicken back up, find a more flattering outfit... I was waiting for a magic day when I would feel great about myself. I am lucky my photographer was also my friend, and she gently encouraged (ie forced) me into the photo session. And guess what? I freaking love those photos. Now I schedule family pictures regularly and never pass up a chance to be in a photo with Rufus. Yes I want family photos to build a legacy, to look at and remember how happy and exhausted we were, to actually document motherhood, but there is another reason. I want to have photos taken and be in those photos so that I can give Ru a better chance to accept and love himself.

I have struggled with an eating disorder the majority of my life. I have been in therapy and even inpatient treatment for it, as well as for severe anxiety and depression. My grandmother criticized her body, later my mother followed suit. I do not blame them, but I know that seeing those women who were so incredibly beautiful to me, point out their perceived flaws, had me searching for my own from an early age. I strive to be mindful of the way I talk about my body in front of Rufus. By getting in the frame, I can also show him positivity and acceptance when it comes to my appearance.

taking steps to Encourage positive body image

 I am trying to break the cycle with Rufus. I don’t label foods as good and bad. I don’t criticize myself in front of him. I am trying to stop telling him he is cute all the damn time so that he will not think that is where his worth lies (not easy because he is so FREAKING cute). But none of this is easy. Nothing about feeling insecure about my body, hating it at times, is easy to overcome. I am a work in progress. 

One of the ways I show Rufus that all bodies are great bodies and that I accept my own body (fake it ‘til you make it) is being in photos with him. Not just a fun selfie where I can sneak by with only showing my face at a “good” angle, but full body professional photographs. If I can model this for him, it might stick. 

What if being kind to ourselves and our bodies was a part of the goals we have for raising our children? Just like limiting screen time?  Maryann Jacobsen, dietitian and author of the children's book "My Body’s Super Power", says “seeing both Mom and Dad appreciate their bodies is an important first step. Self-compassion plays a key role in a positive body image. Being kinder to ourselves means we’ll be kinder to our bodies.’” Not shying away from being in photographs could aid in modeling this kindness.

Children start expressing worrying about their own bodies very young

Maryann Jacobsen, dietitian and author of the children's book "My Body’s Super Power", says “seeing both Mom and Dad appreciate their bodies is an important first step. Self-compassion plays a key role in a positive body image. Being kinder to ourselves means we’ll be kinder to our bodies.’” Doesn’t it follow that we can model this kindness and compassion by skipping the whole “I don’t look good enough to be in photos thing”, and instead proudly stepping in front of the camera? Simply being in photos and not criticizing your appearance might go a long way in bolstering your child’s positive body-image.

When researching for this post, I read in an article from Parents that “researchers have discovered that children begin to express concerns about their bodies as young as age 5. At this young age, parents usually play a role in influencing their kids… meaning that kids can still pick up on subtle but negative body image message you give (even if you're not harshly criticizing your body).”  When you mention something once, or let a rule slide for a minute, small children will attempt to take advantage for life- so it shouldn’t be surprising that kids are picking up on how you feel about your body at a young age.

Cameron Reeves Poynter puts it elegantly in this This Scary Mommy article: “If I dismiss the beauty they see in me with their young eyes, they will stop seeing it. If I wrinkle my nose distastefully at my imperfections, they will start to do the same. And those imperfections will become the first thing they see in me — and in others.” If I decline being in pictures because I don’t like my body, Rufus will start wondering what is wrong with his mama and then start to doubt and question his own appearance. He might start to look outward at others to see how their bodies and looks measure up. That would break my heart.

documenting motherhood for its own sake

Although this post is about the importance of being in photos to set an example for our children, I don’t want to leave out the significance of being in photos for yourself. Your role as a parent should be documented and someday these photos will serve as a legacy for your child.  I know I want to look at photos of myself with Rufus and see those days that I was spread so thin, from loving him, worrying about him, caring for him, trying to care for myself and at the same time run my business. I want him to see the love in my eyes, my hands on his face, how for years and years I couldn’t stop smelling his head, breathing his breath… holding him tight. Mother’s are scarcely documented. We are the memory keepers most of the time. I wholeheartedly encourage you to get in the pictures.

I will leave you with this excerpt from“The Mom Stays In The Picture,” by Allison Tate; “But we really need to make an effort to get in the picture. Our sons need to see how young and beautiful and human their mamas were. Our daughters need to see us vulnerable and open and just being ourselves -- women, mamas, people living lives. Avoiding the camera because we don't like to see our own pictures? How can that be okay?”

It isn’t. Let’s keep fighting the good fight.

 Chelsea Macor is a Seattle-based family photographer, who writes a blog documenting her life and her struggles with that life @chelseamacorphotography